If we only have one turn

Warmth breath on cool skin
I tried to be cold
I try.

I fail.

Warm breath on cool skin
Soothes
Warms
Calms

I love and am loved

This feels real

This feels unreal

This feels complete
And immense

I hold my breath, deep in my chest
Holding it in with all my might
Waiting for the fall, waiting to exhale

Knowing that I can breathe
When I allow it

And he knows that when I do
When I finally do
I mean it

This weekend he shall be mine. I will hold him close, feel his skin on mine, breathe deep his scent.

I will feel his excitement. I will devour him. Loving
every taste
smell
sensation.

I will take him in my hand, mouth and throat. I will hear his gasps and sighs. I will be excited with them.

He will feel the lace of my stockings, the silk of the ribbon, the bone of the lingerie.
The dampness of my lust for him.

And then we will play
With latex and lace
With silk ties
With leather cuffs

I have waited all week with damp and eager loins
It will be a decadently long weekend.

To sleep, my love, to sleep
Your precious head on pillows, sweet
And know that through the night
My arms will wrap around you tight
For I wonder at each breath you breathe
And I cradle every dream you dream

To sleep, my love, to sleep
Oh deep my love, so deep

I have such deep regrets, such guilt, at times and this weekend...and last.... have seen them come to the fore.

I worry that it upsets him, that it is damaging, but I know that I can trust him with my emotions, he knows how ferociously I guard them and that when they show there is a reason. My reason for recent outbursts has been twofold. Firstly, an excess of alcohol, I am apparently a tearful drunk! Secondly, the regrets alluded to.

I treated him so very badly, my Eco Warrior. I made it clear to him from the outset that he meant...would never mean....anything to me. He wasn't Red, he wasn't important, he was an easy fuck without attachment. And he accepted it. All my callousness and obsession, all of the deifying of a false love, all of the other men. He accepted it all, made me believe – at least in the short term – that he didn't care. I knew though, yet carried on.

I was an emotional fucking retard of the highest order. I was callous and selfish and at times, immensely insensitive...possibly even cruel.

All of this was brought to light last weekend. I was with him, in his home, and so very content. Then I saw the name...Red. The reaction was knee jerk, verging on instinctual, disturbing. Stomach muscles tightened, my throat felt a monetary spasm, my shoulders tightened. I had only been talked into rejoining that place, albeit under pseudonym, by EW in the week or so before (I have been accepted into a wee race in London Village and mileage tracking is immensely motivational). I wondered if I had done the right thing in going back there, my concerns were addressed all too starkly.

The truth is though, ultimately I knew. The truth has hit me full force and confirmed my thoughts.

I have never been so happy.

I have found someone who affords me the love, respect, lust, honesty, understanding, compassion, desire and freedom that allows us both to be as honest as we need to be. #he asks nothing more of me than I can give and I expect nothing less from him. He calms my constantly active mind, he finds my inability to sit still amusing. He knows me, he loves me, he sees my flaws – of which there are many – and he accepts every facet with an ease of nature and character that continues to astound me. He is the gentlest of men. No more regrets. I have found in him someone who is not a false love,who is not a false friend - he is not Red or The Squaw or Placebo. He is 100 of them in any combination. He is so much more - despite his enjoyment of Radio 2.

I knew some time ago. Recently though I have felt it so profoundly and I have found it so very hard to express as I'd like.

I do though. So very much. And with all my heart.

A busy day
Traffic
A nice dinner
A kiss
A cuddle

A warm arm

A lie in
Warmth
Care
Love
Bacon rolls

Big moon boots

A big hill
A nice pint
And another
Chinese
A daughter

An early night

Rib crushing hugs
Running kit
6 miles
Bike support
Tennis lessons (!!)

A long shower

Lazy dinner
Goddam exes
More hugs
Compassion
Understanding

All encompassing gentleness

An eviction
A gentle walk
Rose decimation
Domesticity
A long hug

Deep joy

I have a date. One that will push me, hurt me, make me smile and weep in equal measure and one that will make me consider my own sanity on a regular basis. I will love it. I will hate it. I will cherish moments of complete faith, I will learn from times of absolute despair.

I shall see the changing of seasons and feel their impact without protection from their will. I will marvel in the experiences brought to me and feel hatred toward the pain inflicted.

It will make me stronger
It will make me resolute
It will make me.

On April 25th 2010 I will run the London Marathon

He holds me
I give

He kisses me
I relax

He envelops me
I breathe

He touches me
I melt

He is mine
I, his

He wasn't sought
I found.

1 very long climb
4 very Crinkly Crags
1 quick windswept stop for lunch
A couple of fun miniature scrambles
1 very blue sky
Many pictures
Even more moments of awe
1 knee trashing descent.

2,818ft.

I am now converted
I am now a hill walker
And I want a Munro
Possibly several.

And I must sleep. I do so quietly tonight but am consumed...

Enveloped
Surrounded
Luxuriated
Enthralled
Fulfilled

Never suffocated, never forced, never drowned.
Complete comfort.

He is however a dreadful fidget!
And yet, I do.

It’s a beautiful day (and apologies for the truly dreadful video, just don't look!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bjRAi1XEDw&feature=PlayList&p=9084C9ED4AA67BF9&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=6

A whole new day and one that brings Eco Warrior to my home, my arms and my bed.

I shall hold him again. I shall kiss him, stroke him, be utterly consumed by him and drink in his scent enough to tide me over until our next, oh so short, opportunity.

We will kiss and caress, we will talk with an ease that continues to astound me some 9 months down the line – cynic that I am. We will eat dinner and cuddle on the sofa like teenagers. We will enjoy the comfortable silence and manic giggles of watching one of my tragic B movies. We will entice each other throughout.

Our time together will be short but as wonderfully fulfilling as it ever is.

Some 9 months down the line, I feel able to write about him with the comfort, love and gentle understanding that he brings with every touch, every look – with every moment that we are together.

The cynic and protector within seems to be mellowing. And the answer to my friend S would be, yes, I do believe it is.