I have such deep regrets, such guilt, at times and this weekend...and last.... have seen them come to the fore.
I worry that it upsets him, that it is damaging, but I know that I can trust him with my emotions, he knows how ferociously I guard them and that when they show there is a reason. My reason for recent outbursts has been twofold. Firstly, an excess of alcohol, I am apparently a tearful drunk! Secondly, the regrets alluded to.
I treated him so very badly, my Eco Warrior. I made it clear to him from the outset that he meant...would never mean....anything to me. He wasn't Red, he wasn't important, he was an easy fuck without attachment. And he accepted it. All my callousness and obsession, all of the deifying of a false love, all of the other men. He accepted it all, made me believe – at least in the short term – that he didn't care. I knew though, yet carried on.
I was an emotional fucking retard of the highest order. I was callous and selfish and at times, immensely insensitive...possibly even cruel.
All of this was brought to light last weekend. I was with him, in his home, and so very content. Then I saw the name...Red. The reaction was knee jerk, verging on instinctual, disturbing. Stomach muscles tightened, my throat felt a monetary spasm, my shoulders tightened. I had only been talked into rejoining that place, albeit under pseudonym, by EW in the week or so before (I have been accepted into a wee race in London Village and mileage tracking is immensely motivational). I wondered if I had done the right thing in going back there, my concerns were addressed all too starkly.
The truth is though, ultimately I knew. The truth has hit me full force and confirmed my thoughts.
I have never been so happy.
I have found someone who affords me the love, respect, lust, honesty, understanding, compassion, desire and freedom that allows us both to be as honest as we need to be. #he asks nothing more of me than I can give and I expect nothing less from him. He calms my constantly active mind, he finds my inability to sit still amusing. He knows me, he loves me, he sees my flaws – of which there are many – and he accepts every facet with an ease of nature and character that continues to astound me. He is the gentlest of men. No more regrets. I have found in him someone who is not a false love,who is not a false friend - he is not Red or The Squaw or Placebo. He is 100 of them in any combination. He is so much more - despite his enjoyment of Radio 2.
I knew some time ago. Recently though I have felt it so profoundly and I have found it so very hard to express as I'd like.
I do though. So very much. And with all my heart.
