I ran today. Regardless of injury, common sense or ability, I ran. For no other reason than I needed to punish myself for the stupidity that I have found myself descending into of late.

Someone asked me today what I meant by a comment I made and, as is ever the case when asked to clarify such statements, I avoided answering. What I should have done is be honest, in which case the answer would have been: Why would he? Why would anyone? I have proven time and again that I am neurotic, awkward, obsessional (though not in my relationships), cold, distant, reticent, argumentative, confrontational and so many other things I couldn’t begin to describe it. In short, I am a nightmare.

Once again I have allowed myself to believe that I can be more than just sex to someone, more than the cheap whore that they imagine fucking without the knowledge of those around them. Once again I fell into the trap of thinking that I could be important to someone - important enough to warrant respect and true care and affection. Apparently, once again, I was mistaken.

I questioned whether I attract these people with my nature and my openness, I was told to change nothing about myself but I question even that statement. What is it that I must change to avoid drawing in men who need me? Something has to change.

My husband was needy to the point of suffocation and was attracted to my overt sexuality when we first met.
Gorecki was needy almost constantly and also attracted by my open love of all things carnal.
Even my current boyfriend, who I care about very much, leaves me with deep reservations about the nature of our relationship, even though we were friends long before we were lovers.

To all but my husband I have not been a true and meaningful part of their lives, I merely represent to them what they cannot have. I’m the shag that they always wanted, the lover they desire, the open, free spirited, intense fuck that they want from their partner as opposed to the daily grind that is life.

I am not a person who can be important or the recipient of anything other than false affection. I am not a person who can be loved. A stark and strangely unsettling admission given that I fight on a daily basis to avoid close association in order to protect myself from the pain I felt after losing Gorecki. My biggest regret though? I trusted.

I’ll get over it.