Started last night before common sense kicked in and completed this evening after a decent night’s sleep and a damn good head clear at the gym. Suffice to say my duathlon training schedule starts ASAP, albeit tentatively until my injury is fully resolved but I regained a part of myself today and I refuse to let it go again. Anyway - maudlin part 1:-

Friends want more than I can give. I’m the strong one, the one who’s decisive and headstrong. If I fail, if I crumble it rocks their confidence in their own ability because (as one friend said to me) ‘if you can’t cope, nobody can!’

No pressure then.

These petty and feeble insecurities now threaten to engulf me. I am less sure every day in my ability to survive this latest stage of my life. After surviving so much more I sometimes wonder if I have the reserves left to fight this battle. I know it won’t go on forever, I know its just another phase in this ever changing life and hell - at least it keeps it interesting - but I’m tired. Tired in so many ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.

And yet they still need me, these friends. They have marital problems, they have child problems, they have ex husband problems, they have financial problems, they have insecurities and can’t deal with them. I cope, but for how much longer?

I feel the need for protection. Not the protection of others but my own special brand - isolation. If I separate myself from these friends then I stand a chance of surviving. Alternatively, I may eventually give in to the ever increasing pressure and take the route of my ex husband in failing to cope and allowing those around me to take the strain and look after me.

Pathetically self-pitying I’m sure you’ll agree and an regular symptom of my current dip, which was why I was so glad to sit down today and be able to say, with some conviction and regained hope…..

But hang on……… I can’t do that as I have no-one! I have no family and my friends have their own lives and complications. I chose this life, I took the decision to put myself here, I now have to deal with it.

I will neither give in nor fall apart, partly because I have no-one to collect the pieces for me, partly because I wouldn’t want them to, mostly because I refuse to be the weak and helpless woman who needs to be saved. In short, I realised a few years ago that I’m better than my past, better than the cruel words that have been used against me, better than the spineless man I left would have me believe.

There is strength in isolation. There is more in self belief.