Ben

Confusion reigns and emotion runs high and once again both words and sanity escape me.

You call last night surprised me. You caught me unawares and drunk, my usual numbed state these past few weeks. Your voice, which has brought such comfort to me in the past, hurt me so deeply last night after what seems like an age in the wilderness. I tried so hard to be strong for you, knowing that the last thing you need just now is another emotional woman but to hear your voice and to be told your news - to hear you say that you miss me - even alcohol cannot dull that pain.

When you told me about the improvement in your injury I couldn’t reign it in anymore. Knowing what you’ve been through, having supported you throughout, I have now been denied the ability to do so and I am so scared that I will never regain that ability and I suspect that her support would be inadequate for you. I wanted to excited for you but could only weep at the fact that it took almost a week to find this out. And once again the level of my selfishness astounds me.

I was coping so well until I saw you on Friday night. To be in your presence, even virtually, has always been such a comfortable, easy, happy experience. Now I feel only pain at seeing you, knowing that we are no longer permitted this happiness and that I shall never see again, never hold or be held by you, never feel that ease of friendship and the bind that we have.

And here I sit, writing this letter late on a Sunday evening having struggled to leave my bed this morning. I now struggle to hold my emotions together but know I must for the sake of my children. I count the days til they go to their father and feel pain at wishing them away from me, feeling that I am a bad mother for thinking in this way. You have brought this upon me, how dare you. But you haven’t, I have allowed myself to be here, willed it upon myself in ever destructive manner. At some point I will find destruction.

I feel grief beyond reason, anger beyond belief. Anger at myself for giving in to these emotions and for allowing myself to enter into such a relationship. I feel anger toward you for allowing this to happen and the sentiments you express. I feel anger because you are ‘OK’ and carrying on with your life, trying to rebuild what is fractured, whilst I continue on in this limbo. I feel anger toward you for your indecision about what you want from life and your marriage. Mostly though I feel anger toward her. You made it clear that you would rather not hear my views on her, I’m not sure why. Are you hiding from my feelings or the truth?

Regardless, I express them here since this is my only true release. I feel anger towards her for her over reaction to our friendship, her utter disregard for your thoughts and feelings, the fact that she has to make an effort to support and care for you whilst I find it so easy to know your every thought and feeling. Obviously I am angry that she has taken my best friend from me, as selfish as that may be and I am fully aware that my feelings are the last in line in this equation but the inequity of it all continues to grate on me, as does her attitude of martyrdom and oppression. As I said, any view I express about her could be viewed as sour grapes and yes, to a certain extent that is the case. I know I have no entitlement to feel such things but I feel them just the same.

So here I am, another day - a fresh day, waiting for your promised call and wondering if I should take it or give in to the fact that I have lost you and that no amount of desire to be friends will ever change that.

GP at 5pm today. Lump 1 is static in size and position, lump 2 needs to be looked at. Blood letting is imminent.

Be well

Me