What is this pressure to love? I care for him deeply, I would even go so far as to say that my feelings for him are very deeply held. Is this love? Having never really felt it I’m not sure.
Yes, I’ve said that I’ve felt it but in hindsight did I really love Gorecki? I know I never truly loved my husband - not really. And whilst what I had with Gorecki was deep and passionate and intense….it wasn’t really love, was it?
The quiet man confuses me. With his version of love, his protestations of such sentiment but his equivalent dispassion, enforced distance, the regular and obvious detachment of anything approaching his proclamations.
This is not love, nor shall it ever be. I ally myself with those who cannot or will not forsake themselves in this way. Too many years have been given over to loving another. When can I begin to believe that I am worthy of such feeling?
And so the cycle goes. The torment, the torture, the self flagellation and the martyrdom of rejection. I give no more, I chose the numbness and protection of old. The island is built and the wounds are opened.
The quiet man must go.
2008-06-16 @ 14:43