My last offering to Him. There have been many lately that I have not been able to expose for fear of ridicule or the assumption of utter insanity. This however, is the clear view. The one that shines through on every run and is my waking thought. I would send it to him but he is worthless and I refuse to give him the validation of his prior importance.

You are a liar. You are cheat. Worse than that, you are a user. An emotional parasite who takes what he needs then detaches when the host is no longer giving as much as you wish. I was there for you throughout. I listened to your endless moaning about how difficult your life is, how little money you have, regardless of the fact that me and mine are on the breadline. I was compassionate, understanding, unbiased. I was sensible when you hinted at leaving her, I was honest when you moaned about her lack of interest. I advised you openly and honestly about her emotions and thoughts, because I’ve been there. I didn’t love my husband when I treated him in a similar way and it would seem like sour grapes for me to suggest that she doesn’t love you, but…..

And what did I get out of this deal? Royally fucked. You fed off me, you sucked me dry and, with your desperate public school boy preciousness, you sent me to despair. And when the chips were down you failed to fight for our friendship. You said you would, just as you said you loved me. All lies. Knowing my feelings on that word - that hateful, false word that has meant so little in my life. Knowing how it scares me, how I reacted when The Quiet Man said it. You promised me that you would only use if platonically and that you would never abuse it.

You are a liar and I no longer want you in my head, heart or mind.

I have removed you from every part of my life. You are no longer important, you are wholly irrelevant, as are your problems, your issues, your feelings and your thoughts. This is my exorcism of you. You are on your own.

In other news...

Running is going very well. I have a number of options becoming available to me, Dublin being one Loch Ness another and the call of a time limit is pushing me on. Tomorrow will bring a 13 mile run and the possibility of seeing The Potential again.

The Potential - tall, too tall for me really, fun, easy going, someone I laugh with and talk with easily. He’s also made his intentions quite clear, both physically and intellectually, both of which have been agreeable to date. I refuse to commit but the offer of drinks tomorrow night may be taken. Texts flow, intentions are stated, passions may be sated if he acts according to my rules.

The Quiet Man - has gone from bewildering to infuriating me. Contact, or the lack thereof, continues to frustrate and anger me. This is supposed to be my committed other but he continues to prove himself unworthy of my effort. A severe lack of contact prior to his latest visit caused consternation. His lack of interest after a car accident this week merely strengthened my belief that he enjoys the distant fuck and uses the L word merely as a rouse, albeit one he has bought into with great belief.

Red has been banished, the novice rejected (too timid), Gorecki is ever in my thoughts but his words now bore me and whilst recent weeks have tried my resolve and I have suffered psychologically from their implications, my health has been proven fit, my worst fears proved false and I find myself settling into some playful flirtations.

http://gorecki.co.uk/lyrics/learn.htm

One other thought. Frozen mashed potatoes? Seriously?