If we only have one turn

There are days that pass without incident. Days when I feel fine. Days when I cope and I smile and am strong. Those days come more often but the memories never leave me. There are days when I wish they would.

I am never without him yet am perpetually alone.
I do not want him yet I crave his company, his words and his perfect knowledge of me.
I do not miss him yet the gaping hole remains crudely unfilled, the rupture never to be healed.
I live my life yet float in limbo.
I enjoy my single life yet despair that I shall never find anyone like him.
I hide behind the happy façade while I push people away.
I maintain the pretence of strength whilst I crumble a little more each day.

Days like these come less often yet they seem so utterly insurmountable when they arrive and I allow myself to drown a little more each time.

I understand that this was love but fail to comprehend how, after almost a year apart, someone can still haunt my thoughts, feelings, emotions and relationships so long after walking away. I hate myself for still wondering why, despite my fight for him, despite my lies to his family, he refuses to fight a little more for me. I loathe the fact that I still feel sick at the realisation that I was nothing to him whilst he was everything to me. I abhor the cold and cynical woman I have become – a woman who sleeps with strangers to avoid emotional entanglement, a woman who uses men for nothing more than physical gratification, treating them with impersonal tenderness and assuring the emotional distance is forever in place.

I am perplexed by how I can feel bitterness and forgiveness in such equal measure, how my life can feel so dark when all I want is eternal sunshine.

You shot me up, yeah
You filled my cup
You sailed my boat
You were my last hope
You took my very last hope away

Oh you, you will be loved by someone good
And you, you will be loved by somebody good
You have been loved

You dropped the bomb
And now you're gone
I held you dear
You swallowed my fears
And now I've drunk my last beer with you

Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
Yeah you, you will be loved
Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass

Yeah you you will be loved by somebody good
By somebody good

Sia, You Have Been Loved

Less than 12 hours remain, some of which will (hopefully) be spent sleeping, before my next encounter with Eco Warrior. The excitement is palpable, the knowledge of each other makes our follow up appointment all the more enticing, the play will be more educated.

He knows I have presents for him. He does not know what they are and I refuse to tell him but my toy site has been well paid of late….and latex is once again a part of my wardrobe, albeit for someone completely different.

And the corset…..the most exquisite pieces of clothing ever created…..is once again being coveted.

In twelve hours I shall be consumed with the thrill and passion that eluded me for so very long.

I concede, you may be right, I may actually change my long held belief that all tall men should have their legs chopped off at the knees.

6'4" is a neck breaking height for me but Irish, with his dark hair blue eyes and slim build may break the mould and be worth the traction.

Yours, V

PS You would most definitely approve...

Question is, should I be greedy? Should I break the habit of a lifetime and do that 'hi, how are you?' thing? (obviously I'd be far more eloquent than that trite pleasantry!). The temptation is great.

I’m learning again how much I love running. After a couple of months of allowing personal demons cloud my head and control my thinking I’m now feeling more in control and today hit the marathon plan head on with a five mile walk with the kids immediately followed by a run of just a smidge under 12. I lowered the pace to a sensible 9:30m/m average, breathed relatively freely despite the current abundance of snot that makes my sinuses painful and even smiled that quietly satisfied smile to myself without even realising it.

It came so easily, so simply, so satisfyingly. The endorphin release that urges me to seek out the next hit with the fervour a starved junkie urged me to go back out this evening before dark descended and I rued the fact that I have lost my head torch and therefore cannot do the night running that I so love. Sense and my neighbour, panicked at a lack of electricity, brought a halt to such thoughts however and I sit now basking in the gentle post run ache that intermittently washes over my tired limbs.

I feel DOMS and I love them greatly.

Not my type, he’s tall - about 6’1” but muscularly broad enough to carry it off and a very nice pair of…eyes - I usually opt for slim & short men.

Initial meeting presented me with an outstretched hand to shake at which point I opted to take the initiative and go for the requisite peck on the cheek. Relaxed from that point on, the flirtations came quickly and easily. A quick bite to eat whilst laughing over past disasters and our most interesting pasts followed as well as sporty chat about our relative addictions - MTB and running - with honest and open discussion of our situations and expectations. The flirtatious glances flowed in abundance as our eyes betrayed the true intentions of our minds.

A stroke of an impressively muscular thigh reminded me of why I do so love men in tight lycra while his caressing of thigh and buttock brought many pleasant comments as well as a tight bulge in his suit trousers.

We moved from dinner table to deep comfy sofa and, with legs draped over thighs, chatted playfully about our plans. He commented on his love of black lingerie and was inquisitive when informed of the coincidence that was my favourite black and lace undergarment. With more enticing chat he discovered my hatred of underwear when running and, knowing that I was post run, had to check my status by running a hand seductively along a thigh and down a leg, feeling more than just underwear status as he went. Gentle stroking of that chunky thigh led to gentle teasing of a rather impressive bulge. A zip teased but not undone, a hand slipped over damp clothing in response.

I discovered that he has a tongue made to tease a clitoris.

Our short walk back to the car park brought talk of lingerie and Dutch swinger bars, producing many laughs and common connections. Once there the body contact became much closer (no mean feat with over a foot of height difference!). Stroking became firmer, more purposeful and whilst talk of a short stop in a local dimly lit layby were briefly entertained it was decided that our time would be better spent in a more spacious location and with the toys, restraints and lingerie to excite all the senses completely.

This one will be infrequent but all the more fun for it.

And tomorrow brings a brief encounter with The Photographer. It may lead to something, it may not but there's every chance a 15 mile run will be involved at some point! He's going to have to work very hard to prove himself thats for sure.

Is it still considered bad form to meet a stranger for vetting, have a very nice evening, get cosy on a sofa and then be asked to leave the premises when things get a little too 'cosy'?

If they thought a little stroking and him seeing my bra was bad, they definitely wouldn't have approved of the car park antics!

And before your minds descend to gutter level completely (although yours was there already. Yes, you there) we managed to remain fully clothed and relatively untouched throughout.

Right now I should be in the appointed place drinking coffee and flirting outrageously with The Photographer. I was halfway there when I got the call to say he'd had to turn back because his elderly mother had fallen on ice and broken a hip.

I await his call this evening for a promised rescheduling with some scepticism.

I'm left wondering......was I always this cynical?

And

What to do with the remains of the afternoon...

The photographer approaches with some trepidation on his part. With our meeting this afternoon he informed me only yesterday that he is new to this. My usual cynicism is strong and I question his honesty but his description of how he found himself on ‘that site’ rings true though his admission of being ‘truly terrified’ is somewhat concerning. Am I really that scary when in vixen mode? Or is it the thought of being with another that scares him so? He assures me with his male bravado that the issue is most definitely not the latter. He would though, wouldn’t he?

So, a late afternoon, early evening, friendly, flirtatious meeting to assess the worthiness of another. One scary thought though - despite my abject honesty about not wanting a relationship he talks of plans….

I will not be hurt again. I will not allow it.

Thursday brings a coffee date the Border Rambler. An exec who travels far and wide in the course of his work and seeks out interesting company along the way. Or, more likely, a travelling salesman who’s looking to get lucky. An hour over coffee will tell but his infrequent visits to the area appeal, as do his pictures and intelligent conversation.

IT man is quietly persistent , pleasantly so as it happens. Not pushing, accepting that I like my space and appreciating that. It would seem that we are in a similar ‘place’ and a weekend date has been suggested.

The Paramedic continues to woo me with his words. His eloquence may be my downfall but his intensity reminds me of my desire to stay distant whilst equally reminding me of my desires. We struggle to find matching dates but when we do the potential meeting of minds and bodies promises to be explosive.

And the longing envelops me as I would wish to be enveloped by another. The need to be so wholly possessed, consumed, devoured by the sexy intensity is strong and wilful, much like my desire to resolve it with the ability to walk away from the ownership and reclaim my life as my own.

Disappointment and abuse of trust has been allowed to go on too long, another this week, taking the total number of dishonest friends to 3 for the year so far. The Novice, once again, has been expelled from my life. It would seem his ‘friendship’ is one track.

Time to shower, dress in my prettiest lingerie, don the boots and see how scary I can be!

A week or two of madness at work, home, in training and in private have led to little in the way of blogging although, as ever, my scribblings are put to paper at any free moment and may be added for posterity at a later date.

This week however brings hope.

The hope of tactile meanderings through the dreams of another. The hope of exploration, play and the long, slow discovery of another.

The teacher lasted but a few days. His immaturity shining through before I discovered his true age of 30 (!!).

Eco Warrior remains a consistent and friendly presence though has over stepped the mark in offering to set me up in my dream business (catering, not brothel). Our next date is set and looked forward to with the challenge of who can outdo whom looming ever presently exciting.

A new potential - IT Man. Is it really possible to be passionate about IT? Really? I fear it may be brief to non existent despite (or because of) his eagerness.

And another - The Photographer. Cerebrally suitable though I suspect boredom may grip me easily in his company. He shall have a chance to prove himself when we meet for the ritual vetting on Wednesday.

There is one however who has stirred both loins and mind. The Paramedic is consistently impressing me with his words and thoughts. His openness and need to discover excite me in a way that has been absent for quite some time. He holds much promise but only time will tell if he is worthy.

Four is enough for any girl, surely?

I went to work. I was industrious. I played the part of dutiful NHS employee and doting mother (yes, the latter was an easy one). I carried off the respectable mid 30’s, responsible look with conviction.

And at 12:30pm, I left my place of work, drove to the appointed place and…..after a 2 hour drive, we left our room for food at 10pm, being wholly pleased with ourselves, craving beer and opting for a very classy (and very tasty) fish and chips! Best ‘date’ I’ve had in years

Suffice to say, the play was good. Very good as it happens, but what surprised me most was the ease with which Eco Warrior and I chatted, laughed and played together. An ease that I was not looking for or expecting. We have discussed it and seem to be in agreement. A very odd, very surreal, friendship seems to have struck up between us that allows honesty and relaxation that is quite reassuring.

I do worry that he may be allowing himself to become attached than we had agreed to be and that will be addressed when we meet for lunch on Thursday but a future date has been set for antics, drinking and debauchery that would make Uncle Monty blush.

Did I mention that he was really rather good?

He will not hold my attention. There is one who may however. A teacher, a former runner, a wall climbing, snow boarding, articulate, easy going type who is only an hour from home and who promises lots of sexy fun. An evening of honest and frank chat has revealed some promising traits, I remain cautious but my interest has been tweaked sufficiently for him not to be removed from my list.

And then there is Shropshire lass. Distantly promising.

Oh, and The novice is back and very far from novice like.

And yet I fail to let go
And yet more, I weep
And yet I hate
But fail to know,
Who to hate more

I am always into ladies. I love them to bits. The oldest I have ever been with was 69 and that casual relationship lasted for 21 months and then she flew away to Norway forever. We had a lot good time. In brief, it was full of fun. You can imagine this by thinking, it lasted for 21 months and reason for it gets finished was she went away. Think about it!

I want to make you happy, whether it is an oral sex or it is 1-on-1 sexual intercourse in any expected posiiton. I am very flexible in this respect. If you like, you can dominate and lead or vice versa. I never do anything forcefully and without permission. I always go for the opinion unless you give me a freedom to dominate and deal with the fun based on whatever and however I think.

Something that I like and extremely good at is to make sure, the nipples change their colour and get bigger after the intercourse. Lol! I suck them until the boobs become flat. Lol! I just cannot let them to be out of my mouth and that is why, I have to fuck in a missionary style. Aaah! Doggie is the one that I enjoy better but since there I have to remain without breasts in my mouth, I go for missionary and make sure, it does not matter whatever happens, nipples are sticking to my teeth for deep love bites and continuous suck. Yummy!

My sexual appetite is extremely high. It also includes unlimited foreplay. I will not easily give you what you want unless you want a quick one only? You have to play hard in the bedroom to get it. The harder you work towards it, the quicker you will have it deep inside. The slower you will, the later you will have it. Choice is yours!

I love to stay thirsty for it within the bedroom. You keep on running away up and down of the bed, in and out of the toilet, and Ill keep on following you as much as you like but meanwhile, please be ready for it too. I enjoy and love competition and hope, you will enjoy it too. Sex on sofa, while having shower, floor, mattress, etc., I want to do it all with you. Are you ready???

I will not let you go away while you will be with me. I will not be able to keep my hands off you. I will love to keep on teasing you in every possible way I could. I do not mind whether or not, its happening in public. I hope you are not shy of romancing in public too. Of course, I do not expect you to agree to have intercourse in a garden or so.

It will be a bonus for you to spend longer time in bed with me. It will not only boost your experience level but also, raise your sexual stamina. I've spent 31 hours in bed continuously and want to break my own record every time I do it. It all started from my favourite foreplay that lasted very long followed by sexual intercourses in different KAMASUTRA positions for about 6-8 times in those 31 hours.

Food was prepared, hence only needed to b micro waved where microwave was also taken to the room to save time for fun. Loads of water and juices were kept aside to get rid of dehydration. Toilet was the only reason that separated us partners from each other, otherwise, 31 hours (NON-STOP).

Since my membership is expiring on: 10 Feb 2009, after which I will not be able to communicate through this website. If you think, I am your kind and want to get to know me more, please feel free to get in touch via e-mail and or phone.

Best regards