If we only have one turn

I didn't expect you to be there - I knew you wouldn't be. This is about me, not you. This is how I deal with things, I confront them when I feel ready.

Read your message to me and tell me that I'm wrong. Read it very carefully Ben, the way you describe our friendship and what it turned into. The things it meant to you and why you 'convinced yourself' that it meant something.

You know how I protect myself, don't berate me for dealing with something in the only way I know how.

Unworthy? Yes. By that I mean I have realised that I am worth more than giving to others as I have in the past. And again, its not just about you. Susan and I are no longer in contact because when I fell apart (again) in January she tore me, my moral charater and my 13 years of freindship to pieces, disecting every part of me and belittling it all (not to mention our friendship!).

And please Ben, don't believe that everything in my blog is solely about you and I.

All that said. I stand by my previous comments with regard to our friendship. It means alot to me and will continue to. I do not want to lose it. However I also stand by my comments in my private blog with regard to you breaking firm promises that you made to me a year ago. Again, you cannot berate me for that as its the truth and I am entilted to feel angry, upset and, quite frankly, devastated about the whole thing.

Enjoy your holiday. As ever, I truly do wish you well.

A new meeting and a tentative friendship formed. The date was set, a slightly hurried arrangement but no bad thing. I left my children with their father - that man who so violently…so viciously took my desire from me and the journey began. Initial apprehensions quickly dispatched as the conversation, laughs and banter quickly ensued and became natural. A glass or two of wine and the pub beckoned. Comfy sofas for lounging in while we chatted with gentle hand holding and flirtatious eyes.

A gentle walk back with occasional respite from the cold in dark corners.

The door was not closed behind us before my skirt was missing a button. Hidden away in the kitchen we removed al that stood in the way of touch. Conversation continued in another room, unaware of the kisses, caresses and undiluted passion that was contained within those four walls. We were missed and met with surprised faces that quickly turned to those of pleasure. We retired without them.

Quietly, passionately, inquisitively we played with fingers, tongues, hands, toys. Thighs rubbing and skin enjoyed. For two hours we enjoyed each other before allowing the others an insight.

And so went the night. A pretty blonde, a brunette, their men. We played, we chatted, we worked the logistics of four in a cramped space to perfection. She cried at seeing me with her betrothed, I comforted and assured her of her safety. Eco Warrior enjoyed her as I had. A beautifully sensitive woman with a beautifully sensual and curvaceous body. We worked well and will do so again in the future.

And finally, after years of searching, I found someone shorter than me!

Mlle Auber is again in my thoughts. Her curves, her beauty, her passion all entice me and one day, when the time is right, I hope to taste her beautifully smooth and voluptuous skin, feel it beneath my hands and savour every gentle moment she allows.

A comfortable embrace, a gentle hold
Ease and security without intent
Clear horniness - for both parties
But no strategy, no action.

Just holding, light kisses
That beautiful skin on skin
Nervously gentle caresses
No pressure, no expectation.

Understanding
Exquisite intimacy.

There is something I must do. Once again I know I shall do it alone, just as I did before. A year ago - 30th May - a day burned oh so painfully on my memory, a day I lied to protect another and tore my mind to shreds. It appears he was unworthy of my lies and my trust.

At 2pm, traffic permitting, I will go to that place. I will sit, I will walk, I will remember. Then I will leave and present myself to those who believe they know me, with the expected smile and wit that has become synonymous with their perceptions of me. They will never know, I shall never tell them.

I have learnt such harsh lessons in this year, lost some people who were dear to me yet the Squaw walked away and left me with some relief. I have realised that no matter how long they are there, they are merely a fleeting part of history. I have learnt that my strength comes from within, not from others and that I must protect it and myself from the infiltration of those who would abuse it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTPulWX4YXA

Slow day sunday
Dreaming the hours away
Left with the taste of you on my lips
Morning comes and goes
Afternoon too
I'm still taking in last night's bliss

I know we've been hurt before
When love came knocking at the door
But I'll tell you one thing for sure
That I know now
I never loved a man like you

This world of ours keeps us apart
You work from dawn 'til dusk
And I sit here writing songs of love

But together it seems
The world fades away
I wanna be with you night and day

And I know I wear my heart on my sleeve
And I seem to give love easily
So I hope you can still believe
That I know now
I never loved a man like you

I hope you can understand
It's simply beyond my command
My heart is in your hands
'Cause I know now
I never loved a man like you
No, no
I never loved a man like you
No I...
Never loved a man like you

Lou Rhodes, Never Loved a Man Like You

Tonight has been my first night of true......freedom.

I have to keep this short for fear of actually letting it in.

Bloods came back abnormal yesterday. I know about these things. It could go either way (thought most likely the good way). Anaemia is a way of life for me, the others not so much.

A scan is pending. I shall breath deeply but not hold it unless instructed otherwise. They hate it when you hold your breath.

Just relax.

God damned lumps. Its nothing. I just need to lose weight.

I breathe white breath.

Until today I didn’t think it possible that the British government could make themselves look any more weak, disreputable, untrustworthy and despicably treacherous.

I am staunchly anti war - vehemently so - but to see men who have fought for a country that is not their own (one that merely owns theirs by way of an antiquated imperialist agreement) so scandalously treated makes my blood boil.

Just one more thing to add to the long list that makes me ashamed to call myself British at times. Mr Brown and his crones ought to hang their heads in shame for this, not to mention the litany of disgraceful(in)actions that lie in their wake.

As previously explained, Eco Warrior has reached an impasse in his life. His marriage is dead, he is at the point of wanting to move on. The only thing that keeps him at home is his teenage children (exam age). I’ve made it clear to him that I will support whatever decision he takes as his friend and have been 100% unbiased in any talks that we have had. Equally, I have made it clear that he and I shall never be a couple - only ever friends with benefits - and he has seemed quite at ease with this (although did give me a fright when very drunk a month ago). Now, all the way from a boy’s holiday in Spain, this:

“Yes I agree I don’t want to be on my own but I also don’t want to be the subservient husband I have become. I don’t want to scare you but you must appreciate the significance I can see in our ongoing relationship.”

This was supposed to be a week away for him to gather his thoughts without the distraction of extra marital affairs, f*ck buddies or any other diversion. He lasted three days before texting me and I have made myself purposefully distant.

And yes, he has scared me. Over reaction on my part?

Here I sit, like the fool I am. I sit and wait. I sit and hope. I know the truth is that 8pm will come and I shall continue to sit alone, remembering a kiss, an embrace, a feeling of completeness never felt before or since. A feeling I never want to allow in again.

I need to do this. I need the finality of this. The absolute unshakable knowledge this brings. He will not come here for me because I am not important enough. I am a past indiscretion that has been neatly tided away and forgotten about. Our friendship, once so important to him, is not worth the fight he promised me. I am a small and insignificant blip on the radar of his life. I was there for him throughout. I was his confidante in times of upset, his advisor, his counsellor, his marriage guidance. I accepted that we would never be together and I encouraged him to hang on to his marriage - to fight the necessary fights for something he believed in. And when the chips were down he walked away because he did not want to fight with her for me.

I was a throwaway distraction while he needed it.

I have fought for friendships in the past - most notably that of the Squaw - a ‘friend’ who threw that away after 13 years. I would have fought for him equally hard, and often did when the Squaw accused him of abusing our friendship (she always was the jealous type). I however am not worthy of such loyalty, courage or effort. I am a fool.

I feel as if I have been dropped from a great height, shattered into 1000 tiny pieces and will never recover all those pieces to be whole again. I shall never be that happy, strong and confident person again.

I sit in this pub with the eyes of a handsome man watching me write and all I can think of is how long beyond 8pm I should wait for something that I know will never happen. I need to do this. I need the finality.

And for the record, I stayed until 10pm but only because the beer (Dark Island) was very good. I also refused the drink I was offered from the handsome man.

An overnight trip calls. A little bit of rugby today, a very small amount of slow running planned for tomorrow followed by a recce of the support point for the marathon.

This evening I plan to sit in a pub with my book. Not just any pub though, I would not choose so randomly. Tonight I shall sit in the pub that in many ways changed my life. I will wish so hard that he would walk through the door, as he did a year ago, and wrap me in his arms. I will want him to say those words to me once more - just once - as he did that night while he kissed me so beautifully, so tenderly, so perfectly. And I will love him despite his absence.

I know he won’t be there, I know he’ll never hold me again and I know that I will feel those kisses only ever in mind - where he touched me most deeply. I know this because he never did love me, not really. He had to convince himself of his love for me while I knew deep in my heart and mind that I loved him.

He had to convince himself.

How could I possibly ever have believed that he could love me? Why would he?

Time has been short with the usual demands of work and family presiding over personal time and whilst some has been afforded to playful distraction, not nearly enough has been allowed. A recent weekend was given over to the ever satisfying Eco Warrior and with a week off work pending a short trip away is being awaited with the usual eager anticipation.

Concerns abound however. He allows heart to rule head and talks of ending his long dead marriage and moving on with his life. He is not leaving to be with me, he knows and accepts that I will never be his, there is no illusion between us though I do wish he‘d stop trying to set me up with a full time relationship! (he says he wants to see me happily settled. The man is clearly insane!) He also knows that I will support any decision he makes. In all honesty I hope that he does leave, he deserves better. He just needs to understand that person will not be me.

The injury is ever present, with three miles on Thursday inducing a tight and painful knee. My marathon is gone and support duties are fast becoming my forte. Another one has been entered, the training for which should start next week. Hopes remain tentatively high and I await word from the physio.

In other areas testing times lie ahead and hopes and fears vie for position. Next week will dictate the possible outcome and I hope against failing hope for a positive negative.