If we only have one turn

A weekend away. Holding, caressing, kissing, loving. Honesty, certainty, commitment, meaning
Assurances given. He does not want to be the rebound. He isn't.

But please, oh please, with everthing in my heart, please don't let me be the stop gap. Not again. This was not meant to happen. But it has.

How god damned surreal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtvjy3EiVCM

And...oh dear

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfmQe_eBvrc&feature=related

I remain unsure who the fool is in this now long running saga. Is it me for continuing to offer the ever withering olive branch or is it him for believing that he has true friendship elsewhere?

The squaw apparently texts and mails him with an interest in his wellbeing, just as she confided in him despite a large collection of associates being at hand. She apparently takes care in his state of mind and is now suddenly a friend…all this despite having little or nothing to do with him – in fact being a ‘good friend’ of his woman (the reason I allowed him into my private world to begin with) – for a substantial amount of time. She made a point of ‘staying out of it’ whilst sympathising with the fucked up, duplicitous woman he was duped by. She didn’t maintain any sort of meaningful contact with him but was openly and overtly ‘girly’ with her.

And yet he wrapped himself around her, believed the hype, fell for the damp eyes and sob stories of her flirtations with married men and ex husbands (whereas some of us merely write about it and deal quietly). He fails to see the clear manipulation - the fact that she is suddenly a friend to him just as it suits her needs....when she knows it will hurt her chosen enemy. Will this be so in time to come? When she has moved on and discovered her newest best friend. Surely if she can discard a committed friend of 13 years (admittedly with some relief on my part), she will have no second thoughts in betraying someone who is merely 'convenient'?

Lets not forget, I was her 'best friend' for some 13 years. I watched her with my trainee phsychologist's mind, I learned her neuroses, read her mannerisms...saw her charm at work and watched with intense guilt as she broke a marriage with a significant and espoused lack of remorse (in front of the wife and children of her lover no less!!). I remained her friend throughout, despite my massive misgivings...despite my conscience....until she attacked me, my friendship and my friendships.

And now he reads yet another heartfelt (foolish) offer of peace and chooses his preferred option…silence, which I take as rejection of compassion.

He let me down in the worst way possible. He apologised, he asked for time, I gave him 7 weeks. He assured me of his grief in losing a friendship and his assurance that he would contact me.

So who is the fool here? And why do I weep so for the loss of someone who would abuse my sincere loyalty so?

Do my emotions...my feelings...warrant such scant regard? Am I really so insignificant in my worth to so many that I laid such trust in?

I am tired. Emotionally and mentally. I feel permanently nauseous, I do not sleep. No more games, no more deceit. I removed myself from harm and yet it follows me and will not release me. I only ask for the respect of honesty.

This is not an attempt at martyrdom, merely the excessive venting of an overloaded spleen.

From one who is, I fear, terminally useless in these matters.

Is 'want' and 'need' compatible with 'love'?

I have heard much of all three recently. I know how I feel. In all honesty I know how he feels (I think). I do however fight the neuroses that have developed because of past disappointments, lies, abuse, etc. I try not to...really hard...but even today I thought back to the betrayal by friends, lovers, parents and husbands and I felt my trust slip hopelessly into the abyss.

Eco Warrior says my trust and faith in others is one of my more attractive points. It is also the noose that strangles my belief in others.

I want. I need. I resist.... love for fear of its consequences yet I submit to its lure.

Has been mostly disappointing (at best) but has made recompense for its abject failings as a music festival with..... Elbow.

A bunch of lads who clearly love what they do and therefore do it incredibly well.

A selection, because I am weak and cannot choose (the first is one of my all time favourite songs though)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQaBu5axBBU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0wDYWyYRQo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4YdmSclJA8&feature=related

Holding
Kissing
Caressing

Blankets drawn
“You’re cold”, says he, “you have Goosebumps”

Assurances of warmth made
Blankets are released
As am I.

The 'L' word has been brought into my life once again.
Mild panic has set in.
I hyperventilate quietly.

I wish my friend, with his crimson words of wisdom, were here to share this.

He has made his feelings clear.

Running is one thing, clear disregard another.

I gave care, compassion and understanding. It has been repaid by 'running away'.

How often I have read - not heard - this excuse.

I will not read any more lies, I have moved beyond deception.

I live a schizophrenic life it seems. I am in turns very happy and desperately sad, at peace but intensely angry. I try to overcome the negatives but feel at times drowned in their murky depths, unable to kick to the surface for the salvation of free air. I want to breathe deep and feel clean but find myself mired at times in the sticky, filthy dirt that lies beneath the surface.

My life is one that is essentially good. Yes, I’m permanently on the breadline but life is such that I will not fight for child support from the father of my children – their happiness is paramount and life affirming. And at the end of the day, money means fuck all without family. Yes, I am recovering from heart break – I shall recover, however slowly. Yes, I have been betrayed by those who would call me friend but piss on that friendship with astounding ease. Yes, life has been damn tough at times, the result of abuse that has been documented to some extent, I survived though, many cannot testify to their violent pasts.

I am stronger for the experience.

‘She’ – I loathe being neurotic or needy or any of the things I have proven I can be in the past. Its not me, it is She. She drives me to examine every minutiae to the point where it makes no sense. She is the insanity that was carried from Mother Dearest to daughter and is not to be trusted.

‘I’ – am the sane, strong, together side. The one who reasons accurately, sensibly and concisely.

‘Me’ – is the selfish side, the one who looks out for the best interests of ‘I’, the one who has fits of martyrdom that verge on the level of Mother. ‘Me’ has best intentions but can be a little eager in her desire to protect.

I know also though that I am finding the headstrong me of old once again. That neurotic part of me seems suppressed for the time being and I know that Eco Warrior is partly responsible for that, just as I am responsible for taking hold of the nonsense that has been thrown my way in recent months. I have taken life firmly, shaken it, thrown it to the ground and stamped ferociously on it – vandalised it and turned it into something manageable.

I have done a Banksy on it, the result will be open for debate but I personally think its an innovative way of improving shit.

I ramble; I haven’t had enough wine to be poetic…as much as I ever am – so not much. But today things made sense. I hurt still – unreasonably so – but I contain it, I mould it, I learn from it. I quieten the demons as a mother hushes a fractious infant and I lessen my appreciation for those who would hurt, abuse or degrade me. I am learning, slowly.

Trust however…..that’s a tricky one. Not sure I’ll ever manage that again, not completely.

Senses and bodies drenched
I wrapped myself in his touch
Engulfed by him

The olive branch was offered, more chances given than anyone else has ever been party to. It now smells of urine, having been pissed and stamped on.

I am sure fun was had, by all.

Nothing is sacred in this world, least of all honesty and friendship over shallow falsehood. I however have played my very last move in this game of deception.