If we only have one turn

I am in melancholic mood today. Too much time to think whilst driving to the hideous blue and yellow shop of plastic furniture. In my defence, I am replacing the old knackered bed that Eco Warrior and I seem to have destroyed! I'm going for faux Victorian metal, should you wonder.

The insistence by some that this shop of plastic horror is a place of commercial worship really does leave me cold. For me today it is a necessity - I need a bad, they have one I can afford and that does not look as if it was constructed by a 2 year old. Some here however seem to be genuinely enjoying their shopping experience. A notion that is truly beyond my comprehension.

I was thinking too much about the negatives - the losses of the past year. One in particular though. It was his birthday just a little while ago. I wanted to send him by good wishes, hope for a good one for him with his family and tell him that, as a friend, I would hope to see him have many more and would be there for him no matter what. This is not to be however.

Then Big Bro dropped a bombshell, one that sent me reeling and that I struggle to equate with events of my past. I will however support him as best I can, even though I cannot fully comprehend his feelings. True friends are so very difficult to find. I have lost too many in this past year and I have learnt the importance of not trusting too readily those who would infiltrate under the guise of friendship (the best friend of Placebo's former love being a prime example).

I now need to focus on the positives in my life. The four wonderful children who I aodre and am infuriated by in equal measure. The friend and lover who I have become so very close to and who is so immensely supportive. The future we all have together and....big secret.....the business I hope to get off the ground in the next couple of years.

Life is good. I won't allow anything to come along and kick it out from under me.

A knock to my confidence. It is fragile enough. Complicated fragility.
Not sure what to think although perversely I really do know.
This is it. The truth of it. His love of me.
And I know that he does.
Can I recover though?

"Between two lungs it was released
The breath that passed from you to me
That flew between us as we slept
That slipped from your mouth into mine
It crept between two lungs
It was released
The breath that passed from you to me
That flew between us as we slept"

"The air has filled me head-to-toe
And I can see the ground far below
I have this breath
And I hold it tight
And I keep it in my chest
With all my might
I pray to God this breath will last
As it pushes past my lips"

Between Two Lungs, Florence & the Machine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfjdlzLu75E

There was a time when I could have talked to Ben about this. Those days are so sadly gone. I wish so badly that they weren't.

What sort of twisted and unfulfilled person would...firstly belittle a 13 year friendship...then walk away from it at the behest of people who have known them for no more than 2 years (and whose sole interest is to sleep with them imo)...before spreading lies, gossip and innuendo about their former friend....then ignore their former friend in a room of about 80 mutual friends, scowl at her across the room, whisper behind hands, manipulate one her best friends into spending the night consoling them then, some 3 months down the line, leave happy chatty comments about some X Factor contender on the Facebook page of my 14 year old daughter?

Using children in personal matters is possibly one of the more despicable actions one could perform.

Not sure what The Squaw is playing at but it comes across as the actions of a very bitter and manipulative malcontent.

He will hold me
He will kiss me
He will embrace me
He will hold tight

He will kiss my neck, just the way I like it
He will caress me, as only he can

He will lean close
He will reveal his want
He will not force it
He will not impose it

He will be gentle, and assuring
He will want and be wanted

He will undress me
He will take time
He will understand
He will know me

And I will reciprocate

He will touch me
He will make me flinch
He will make me shudder
He will devour me
He will make me feel

Every sensation

I will want him as I always do
And I will love him completely

Right.

Can someone please tell me how the hell I remove a person from my reader list? As previously seen, he is refusing to remove himself from this blog although he removed himself swiftly enough from my running blog. I have blocked him for the time being but have no option to remove him from the list of readers for some reason.

I refuse to have genuine thoughts, feelings and emotions (based on a gross and truly henous act) dismissed as 'fluff' whilst someone who has drawn a immense amount of compassion, care, time and kindness from me continues to refuse to communicate in any meaningful way.

And for future reference - should you (any of you) dislike something in my blog, contact me directly and talk to me about it instead of hiding behind cowardly matyrdom via blog comments. Or just stop reading it.

I have the oddest feeling this weekend; it is one that I have been feeling increasingly often lately and one that has been a long time lost. After months of denying the direction events were taking me I finally gave in to it and accepted that despite my determined resistance to anything approaching a committed relationship…I was caught out.

And it feels so utterly right.

I have fretted over and analysed this. I have tried very hard to talk myself out of it but despite all my neuroses about anything remotely linked to relationships I seem to have given myself over to it almost completely. Eco Warrior has captured me entirely.

When he is not here I miss him. When we are not in contact I feel a little lost and when we are together I feel content. I miss his touch, his wit, his banter and his enthusiasm. He is laid back enough to calm my constantly active mind but grounded enough to tell me to slow down. His embraces….

Oh, his embraces…..

Indescribable gentleness
Utter calm
Shallow breaths
Deep joy.

I melt as he holds me. The stress and tension dissolves. He kisses me and I do not resist. My arms embrace him, surround him, caress and envelop him. He becomes every sense I posses and I adore the feel of him. He kisses me, holds me, talks in such honest terms….

He fills me
He sates me
He takes me
He knows me.

He knows what I want and he doesn't mind.

And as his calm descends, I feel I shall never be the same again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rval56RRM88

Mlle Auber calls to me but my exhaustion....its unbearable. My time restraints (instead of the preferred restraints) are restrictive in all the wrong ways and my body is vile in its current state. I feel, and look, hideous.

I search for an available date but they are taken by weddings and children. Who the hell would volunteer for this apparently (cringingly) middle class existence!

Speaking of restraints - where the hell is the Legendary Lord and Master of Fire?

I can feel the fog descending, I know its devious creeping coldness all too well. I step away from the edge….away from the precipice…from the deep crevasse beyond. I feel its grip encroaching from every side. I push it away, uneasy with its increasingly suffocating proximity.

Tiredness is getting the better of me, not helped by the teenage contingent who abjectly refuse to do their bit, nights of broken sleep, a significant lack of running because of a considerable lack of time and energy….

I hid it well until this evening but Eco Warrior picked up on it. It hasn’t caught me yet but the fear of it taking hold again is there.

A good night’s sleep. Any kind of sleep. Please.

You took me for granted
You took me for granted
But I landed back on my feet
Cos you don't deserve me,
You don't have the time that I need
That I want, I deserve
But I got back my nerve
Did what was right for me
I'm using my head not my heart
And I'm starting new
I'm going to get over you.

I'm not important to you

You happy is all I wanted to see
I wanted to see
And so now that's what I'm going to be
I'll waste some time on me
I gave you my all and you took it
I saw and you gave nothing back
Your mind on another track,
Another track
There are plenty of people out there
Who would care about me?

I'm not important to you.

I never ask for help. Never.

Never again.

Absolutely, unreservedly and without any doubt my all time favourite Natalie Merchant song. Thanks to B for sending me on this evening's trip.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3dmf7_natalie-merchant-verdi-cries_music

Spider’s hanging in his web
Waiting for the dawn
As if to show my path
The streetlight flickers on

And while inside the candle flame burns bright
I stand content warmed by the summer night
End of July, the stars shine up above
And I see inside a room filled with love