I search for an available date but they are taken by weddings and children. Who the hell would volunteer for this apparently (cringingly) middle class existence!
Speaking of restraints - where the hell is the Legendary Lord and Master of Fire?
]]>I fail.
Warm breath on cool skin
Soothes
Warms
Calms
I love and am loved
This feels real
This feels unreal
This feels complete
And immense
I hold my breath, deep in my chest
Holding it in with all my might
Waiting for the fall, waiting to exhale
Knowing that I can breathe
When I allow it
And he knows that when I do
When I finally do
I mean it
I will feel his excitement. I will devour him. Loving
every taste
smell
sensation.
I will take him in my hand, mouth and throat. I will hear his gasps and sighs. I will be excited with them.
He will feel the lace of my stockings, the silk of the ribbon, the bone of the lingerie.
The dampness of my lust for him.
And then we will play
With latex and lace
With silk ties
With leather cuffs
I have waited all week with damp and eager loins
It will be a decadently long weekend.
To sleep, my love, to sleep
Oh deep my love, so deep
I worry that it upsets him, that it is damaging, but I know that I can trust him with my emotions, he knows how ferociously I guard them and that when they show there is a reason. My reason for recent outbursts has been twofold. Firstly, an excess of alcohol, I am apparently a tearful drunk! Secondly, the regrets alluded to.
I treated him so very badly, my Eco Warrior. I made it clear to him from the outset that he meant...would never mean....anything to me. He wasn't Red, he wasn't important, he was an easy fuck without attachment. And he accepted it. All my callousness and obsession, all of the deifying of a false love, all of the other men. He accepted it all, made me believe – at least in the short term – that he didn't care. I knew though, yet carried on.
I was an emotional fucking retard of the highest order. I was callous and selfish and at times, immensely insensitive...possibly even cruel.
All of this was brought to light last weekend. I was with him, in his home, and so very content. Then I saw the name...Red. The reaction was knee jerk, verging on instinctual, disturbing. Stomach muscles tightened, my throat felt a monetary spasm, my shoulders tightened. I had only been talked into rejoining that place, albeit under pseudonym, by EW in the week or so before (I have been accepted into a wee race in London Village and mileage tracking is immensely motivational). I wondered if I had done the right thing in going back there, my concerns were addressed all too starkly.
The truth is though, ultimately I knew. The truth has hit me full force and confirmed my thoughts.
I have never been so happy.
I have found someone who affords me the love, respect, lust, honesty, understanding, compassion, desire and freedom that allows us both to be as honest as we need to be. #he asks nothing more of me than I can give and I expect nothing less from him. He calms my constantly active mind, he finds my inability to sit still amusing. He knows me, he loves me, he sees my flaws – of which there are many – and he accepts every facet with an ease of nature and character that continues to astound me. He is the gentlest of men. No more regrets. I have found in him someone who is not a false love,who is not a false friend - he is not Red or The Squaw or Placebo. He is 100 of them in any combination. He is so much more - despite his enjoyment of Radio 2.
I knew some time ago. Recently though I have felt it so profoundly and I have found it so very hard to express as I'd like.
I do though. So very much. And with all my heart.
]]>A warm arm
A lie in
Warmth
Care
Love
Bacon rolls
Big moon boots
A big hill
A nice pint
And another
Chinese
A daughter
An early night
Rib crushing hugs
Running kit
6 miles
Bike support
Tennis lessons (!!)
A long shower
Lazy dinner
Goddam exes
More hugs
Compassion
Understanding
All encompassing gentleness
An eviction
A gentle walk
Rose decimation
Domesticity
A long hug
Deep joy
]]>I shall see the changing of seasons and feel their impact without protection from their will. I will marvel in the experiences brought to me and feel hatred toward the pain inflicted.
It will make me stronger
It will make me resolute
It will make me.
On April 25th 2010 I will run the London Marathon
]]>He kisses me
I relax
He envelops me
I breathe
He touches me
I melt
He is mine
I, his
He wasn't sought
I found.
2,818ft.
I am now converted
I am now a hill walker
And I want a Munro
Possibly several.
Enveloped
Surrounded
Luxuriated
Enthralled
Fulfilled
Never suffocated, never forced, never drowned.
Complete comfort.
He is however a dreadful fidget!
And yet, I do.
A whole new day and one that brings Eco Warrior to my home, my arms and my bed.
I shall hold him again. I shall kiss him, stroke him, be utterly consumed by him and drink in his scent enough to tide me over until our next, oh so short, opportunity.
We will kiss and caress, we will talk with an ease that continues to astound me some 9 months down the line – cynic that I am. We will eat dinner and cuddle on the sofa like teenagers. We will enjoy the comfortable silence and manic giggles of watching one of my tragic B movies. We will entice each other throughout.
Our time together will be short but as wonderfully fulfilling as it ever is.
Some 9 months down the line, I feel able to write about him with the comfort, love and gentle understanding that he brings with every touch, every look – with every moment that we are together.
The cynic and protector within seems to be mellowing. And the answer to my friend S would be, yes, I do believe it is.
]]>The insistence by some that this shop of plastic horror is a place of commercial worship really does leave me cold. For me today it is a necessity - I need a bad, they have one I can afford and that does not look as if it was constructed by a 2 year old. Some here however seem to be genuinely enjoying their shopping experience. A notion that is truly beyond my comprehension.
I was thinking too much about the negatives - the losses of the past year. One in particular though. It was his birthday just a little while ago. I wanted to send him by good wishes, hope for a good one for him with his family and tell him that, as a friend, I would hope to see him have many more and would be there for him no matter what. This is not to be however.
Then Big Bro dropped a bombshell, one that sent me reeling and that I struggle to equate with events of my past. I will however support him as best I can, even though I cannot fully comprehend his feelings. True friends are so very difficult to find. I have lost too many in this past year and I have learnt the importance of not trusting too readily those who would infiltrate under the guise of friendship (the best friend of Placebo's former love being a prime example).
I now need to focus on the positives in my life. The four wonderful children who I aodre and am infuriated by in equal measure. The friend and lover who I have become so very close to and who is so immensely supportive. The future we all have together and....big secret.....the business I hope to get off the ground in the next couple of years.
Life is good. I won't allow anything to come along and kick it out from under me.
]]>"Between two lungs it was released
The breath that passed from you to me
That flew between us as we slept
That slipped from your mouth into mine
It crept between two lungs
It was released
The breath that passed from you to me
That flew between us as we slept"
"The air has filled me head-to-toe
And I can see the ground far below
I have this breath
And I hold it tight
And I keep it in my chest
With all my might
I pray to God this breath will last
As it pushes past my lips"
Between Two Lungs, Florence & the Machine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfjdlzLu75E
There was a time when I could have talked to Ben about this. Those days are so sadly gone. I wish so badly that they weren't.
]]>Using children in personal matters is possibly one of the more despicable actions one could perform.
Not sure what The Squaw is playing at but it comes across as the actions of a very bitter and manipulative malcontent.
]]>He will kiss my neck, just the way I like it
He will caress me, as only he can
He will lean close
He will reveal his want
He will not force it
He will not impose it
He will be gentle, and assuring
He will want and be wanted
He will undress me
He will take time
He will understand
He will know me
And I will reciprocate
He will touch me
He will make me flinch
He will make me shudder
He will devour me
He will make me feel
Every sensation
I will want him as I always do
And I will love him completely
Can someone please tell me how the hell I remove a person from my reader list? As previously seen, he is refusing to remove himself from this blog although he removed himself swiftly enough from my running blog. I have blocked him for the time being but have no option to remove him from the list of readers for some reason.
I refuse to have genuine thoughts, feelings and emotions (based on a gross and truly henous act) dismissed as 'fluff' whilst someone who has drawn a immense amount of compassion, care, time and kindness from me continues to refuse to communicate in any meaningful way.
And for future reference - should you (any of you) dislike something in my blog, contact me directly and talk to me about it instead of hiding behind cowardly matyrdom via blog comments. Or just stop reading it.
]]>And it feels so utterly right.
I have fretted over and analysed this. I have tried very hard to talk myself out of it but despite all my neuroses about anything remotely linked to relationships I seem to have given myself over to it almost completely. Eco Warrior has captured me entirely.
When he is not here I miss him. When we are not in contact I feel a little lost and when we are together I feel content. I miss his touch, his wit, his banter and his enthusiasm. He is laid back enough to calm my constantly active mind but grounded enough to tell me to slow down. His embraces….
Oh, his embraces…..
Indescribable gentleness
Utter calm
Shallow breaths
Deep joy.
I melt as he holds me. The stress and tension dissolves. He kisses me and I do not resist. My arms embrace him, surround him, caress and envelop him. He becomes every sense I posses and I adore the feel of him. He kisses me, holds me, talks in such honest terms….
He fills me
He sates me
He takes me
He knows me.
He knows what I want and he doesn't mind.
And as his calm descends, I feel I shall never be the same again.
]]>I search for an available date but they are taken by weddings and children. Who the hell would volunteer for this apparently (cringingly) middle class existence!
Speaking of restraints - where the hell is the Legendary Lord and Master of Fire?
]]>Tiredness is getting the better of me, not helped by the teenage contingent who abjectly refuse to do their bit, nights of broken sleep, a significant lack of running because of a considerable lack of time and energy….
I hid it well until this evening but Eco Warrior picked up on it. It hasn’t caught me yet but the fear of it taking hold again is there.
A good night’s sleep. Any kind of sleep. Please.
]]>I'm not important to you
You happy is all I wanted to see
I wanted to see
And so now that's what I'm going to be
I'll waste some time on me
I gave you my all and you took it
I saw and you gave nothing back
Your mind on another track,
Another track
There are plenty of people out there
Who would care about me?
I'm not important to you.
I never ask for help. Never.
Never again.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3dmf7_natalie-merchant-verdi-cries_music
]]>And while inside the candle flame burns bright
I stand content warmed by the summer night
End of July, the stars shine up above
And I see inside a room filled with love
But please, oh please, with everthing in my heart, please don't let me be the stop gap. Not again. This was not meant to happen. But it has.
How god damned surreal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtvjy3EiVCM
And...oh dear
]]>The squaw apparently texts and mails him with an interest in his wellbeing, just as she confided in him despite a large collection of associates being at hand. She apparently takes care in his state of mind and is now suddenly a friend…all this despite having little or nothing to do with him – in fact being a ‘good friend’ of his woman (the reason I allowed him into my private world to begin with) – for a substantial amount of time. She made a point of ‘staying out of it’ whilst sympathising with the fucked up, duplicitous woman he was duped by. She didn’t maintain any sort of meaningful contact with him but was openly and overtly ‘girly’ with her.
And yet he wrapped himself around her, believed the hype, fell for the damp eyes and sob stories of her flirtations with married men and ex husbands (whereas some of us merely write about it and deal quietly). He fails to see the clear manipulation - the fact that she is suddenly a friend to him just as it suits her needs....when she knows it will hurt her chosen enemy. Will this be so in time to come? When she has moved on and discovered her newest best friend. Surely if she can discard a committed friend of 13 years (admittedly with some relief on my part), she will have no second thoughts in betraying someone who is merely 'convenient'?
Lets not forget, I was her 'best friend' for some 13 years. I watched her with my trainee phsychologist's mind, I learned her neuroses, read her mannerisms...saw her charm at work and watched with intense guilt as she broke a marriage with a significant and espoused lack of remorse (in front of the wife and children of her lover no less!!). I remained her friend throughout, despite my massive misgivings...despite my conscience....until she attacked me, my friendship and my friendships.
And now he reads yet another heartfelt (foolish) offer of peace and chooses his preferred option…silence, which I take as rejection of compassion.
He let me down in the worst way possible. He apologised, he asked for time, I gave him 7 weeks. He assured me of his grief in losing a friendship and his assurance that he would contact me.
So who is the fool here? And why do I weep so for the loss of someone who would abuse my sincere loyalty so?
Do my emotions...my feelings...warrant such scant regard? Am I really so insignificant in my worth to so many that I laid such trust in?
I am tired. Emotionally and mentally. I feel permanently nauseous, I do not sleep. No more games, no more deceit. I removed myself from harm and yet it follows me and will not release me. I only ask for the respect of honesty.
This is not an attempt at martyrdom, merely the excessive venting of an overloaded spleen.
]]>Is 'want' and 'need' compatible with 'love'?
I have heard much of all three recently. I know how I feel. In all honesty I know how he feels (I think). I do however fight the neuroses that have developed because of past disappointments, lies, abuse, etc. I try not to...really hard...but even today I thought back to the betrayal by friends, lovers, parents and husbands and I felt my trust slip hopelessly into the abyss.
Eco Warrior says my trust and faith in others is one of my more attractive points. It is also the noose that strangles my belief in others.
I want. I need. I resist.... love for fear of its consequences yet I submit to its lure.
]]>A bunch of lads who clearly love what they do and therefore do it incredibly well.
A selection, because I am weak and cannot choose (the first is one of my all time favourite songs though)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQaBu5axBBU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0wDYWyYRQo
]]>Blankets drawn
“You’re cold”, says he, “you have Goosebumps”
Assurances of warmth made
Blankets are released
As am I.
I wish my friend, with his crimson words of wisdom, were here to share this.
]]>Running is one thing, clear disregard another.
I gave care, compassion and understanding. It has been repaid by 'running away'.
How often I have read - not heard - this excuse.
I will not read any more lies, I have moved beyond deception.
]]>My life is one that is essentially good. Yes, I’m permanently on the breadline but life is such that I will not fight for child support from the father of my children – their happiness is paramount and life affirming. And at the end of the day, money means fuck all without family. Yes, I am recovering from heart break – I shall recover, however slowly. Yes, I have been betrayed by those who would call me friend but piss on that friendship with astounding ease. Yes, life has been damn tough at times, the result of abuse that has been documented to some extent, I survived though, many cannot testify to their violent pasts.
I am stronger for the experience.
‘She’ – I loathe being neurotic or needy or any of the things I have proven I can be in the past. Its not me, it is She. She drives me to examine every minutiae to the point where it makes no sense. She is the insanity that was carried from Mother Dearest to daughter and is not to be trusted.
‘I’ – am the sane, strong, together side. The one who reasons accurately, sensibly and concisely.
‘Me’ – is the selfish side, the one who looks out for the best interests of ‘I’, the one who has fits of martyrdom that verge on the level of Mother. ‘Me’ has best intentions but can be a little eager in her desire to protect.
I know also though that I am finding the headstrong me of old once again. That neurotic part of me seems suppressed for the time being and I know that Eco Warrior is partly responsible for that, just as I am responsible for taking hold of the nonsense that has been thrown my way in recent months. I have taken life firmly, shaken it, thrown it to the ground and stamped ferociously on it – vandalised it and turned it into something manageable.
I have done a Banksy on it, the result will be open for debate but I personally think its an innovative way of improving shit.
I ramble; I haven’t had enough wine to be poetic…as much as I ever am – so not much. But today things made sense. I hurt still – unreasonably so – but I contain it, I mould it, I learn from it. I quieten the demons as a mother hushes a fractious infant and I lessen my appreciation for those who would hurt, abuse or degrade me. I am learning, slowly.
Trust however…..that’s a tricky one. Not sure I’ll ever manage that again, not completely.
]]>